SPEWW
by Youaretheflametomycandle
Summary: Crack Fic! The elves working at Hogwarts have gone on strike and the food the students are being fed is inedible. Of course, Hermione has some ideas for a way to fix the problem. With the help of Ron, Harry and Neville, she starts the group S.P.E.W.W. (Rated m for violence, also not for the weak-stomached.)
1. Inedible Mush

Hermione looked at the pile of mashed potatoes and broccoli on her plate. She had a fork in one hand and a spoon sitting underneath her other. The left side of her lips was curled into a disgusted sneer. She jerked back when a large bubble inside the green-y mash burst, splattering her golden and red tie.

"Look at this mess!" She exclaimed. Harry and Ron were sitting across the table from her and Luna on her right side. "I can't eat this! Not again!" She folded her arms and pouted, her eyes rolling.

Harry was poking at his own mush with a knife, just in case it was still alive. His plate consisted of a lumpier, orange substance. It was wriggling. He jabbed it with his knife and it let out a high pitched wail before falling limp. "At least it didn't squeal yesterday." Harry mumbled, his hair getting in the way of his eyes.

He had taken to straightening and spraying it down so it covered his scar and his entire eye. He could barely see anymore and Gryffindor lost the last two games because he had been grabbing at Stacey Forzani's bulbous golden nose instead of the Snitch.

He, too, leaned away from the table, gagging slightly.

But next to him, Ron was digging in. He had a fork in one hand, for the chewy, tough bits, and a spoon in the other, to catch all the juices running from the side. His plate had a peaked pile of deep brown… meat? The edges were charcoaled and the middle was still quite pink, but Ron was shovelling it into his mouth, nonetheless. His eyes had a kind of crazed hunger look behind them and the edges of his lips were pink from straining to fit more in.

"Ron!" Hermione squealed, causing the rest of the table and indeed most of the Great Hall to stop and look at her. She scoffed loudly and turned away, knocking into Luna who was gazing at her face intently. Eventually, the students turned away, murmuring. Harry excused himself to go to the bathroom. Before he made it to the door, he spewed his guts everywhere. He ran off, embarrassed, his scar burning. Voldemort was laughing at him.

"Shut up, Voldemort!" He screamed as he ran off. Hermione got up and trotted after him. She slammed the door behind her. Ron managed to look up from his plate for half a second to see only Luna gazing at him, licking her fingers. She ran them over her eyebrows and smiled. "It's good luck," she whispered. Ron got up, keeping the plate close to his face and shuffled off, still spooning his meaty mush into his gob hole.


	2. Neville

In the Gryffindor Common room, Hermione, Harry and Ron were sitting around the fire, their homework scrawled on parchment. Ron's plate had been licked clean and was thrown away. Harry's face had a thick, green tinge to it and it looked like her could puke at any minute. He kept his head down. Hermione was sitting, cross legged in her skirt, giving Ron an eyeful. She kept her back straight and hands in her lap. The stick-up-your-ass position. It drove Ron wild.

Anyway, their homework was nearly done when Neville stumbled into the room. He had a plant in his hands, but it seemed to be wriggling. He launched after it, his legs jerking everywhere. He skidded past all their homework, which went flying into the fire. He continued after the plant and out of the common room.

Harry hadn't noticed, his head was still tucked into his chest to stop himself from being sick again. Ron looked with terror towards Hermione who was staring at the fire. Her left eye was twitching. Without any warning, she let out a gut wrenching scream and launched herself towards the fire. It made Harry jump, which then made him puke all over the couch. Ginny and Dean smelled of vomit for weeks afterwards. Ron dived at Hermione, pushing her way from the fire. She landed on her back with Ron inches from her face. When he didn't move but instead went to kiss her, she socked him in the jaw.

When all three of them were cleaned up and settled, leaning against the wall underneath a portrait of Nearly Headless Nick, Hermione started the conversation.

"Boys, we have to do something about the food we're being served." She said, her hands folded in-between her legs, which were stretched out next to each boys'.

"Food?" Ron's head snapped up. Harry murmured something that sounded either like 'I agree' or 'kill me.'

"I'm serious. Now, I've been doing a little research. The food we're eating is actually… well; leftovers from what the elves eat." She cleared her throat a little. Harry gagged a little more. "And I have found a healthy alternative. It may seem a little bit… weird, but I assure you. It is good for you, and frankly, tastes pretty good too."

Harry looked at her, a kind of lingering fear in his eyes. He gripped her forearm and whispered in her ear: "Anything. Anything will be better than… than…" then he turned around and spewed again.

"Good! We shall be the first three members of S.P.E.W.W. With two 'w's."

"Wah?" Ron said, chewing a little on his tongue. Hermione gave him a fruit bar from her pocket and told him to shut up.

"It stands for, now hear me out, Society of Persons for Eating Witches and Wizards." She paused and let it sink into the boys' mind. It was really late and they were alone in the common room. She looked around one more time to check that no one was there. Harry coughed a little and Hermione flinched, Ron just looked greedily at Hermione's jumper, shoving the fruit bar in his mouth. "Because, you see, witch and wizard meat is actually, apparently, really good for other witches and wizards."

"So, you're planning on introducing cannibalism to Hogwarts?" Harry asked, raising his eyebrows.

"It will taste better than the shit you're eating now. And it won't make you sick."

"I'm in." Harry said and lent back against the wall. Hermione nodded and took out a notepad and ticked Harry's name off. She looked over to Ron who was licking his fingers, the fruit bar gone in record time. He nodded. She was sure he had no idea what was even happening. She ticked his name. Next on the list was: _Volunteers. _

"Of course, we'll need suicidal volunteers, or maybe criminals convicted to death. At first, getting people to eat will be hard, but when people understand what an honour it is to feed themselves to Hogwarts' students, they'll be coming in by the truck load." She was still talking quietly when Harry put a hand over her mouth. She stopped and looked up. He said:

"Or just someone really stupid?"

Neville had walked into the room. He was wearing his pyjamas and looked a little lost, very tired. Hermione jumped up, followed closely by Harry and Ron.

"Hi, Neville!" She stood in front of him. "We need your help. We're kind of… on a mission! And we can't do anything else without your help." Neville's eyes lit up and he smiled at her.

"Finally! What… what are we doing?" He stepped a little closer to Hermione, who backed off.

"Just follow us. We're going to the kitchen." She walked off and Neville turned to Harry.

"She knows where the kitchen is?" They started following her.

"She knows everything. She's very clever. You are going to be a valuable part in our plan, Neville, so you have to do exactly what she says, alright?" Harry put a hand on his back; felt all the fat underneath his flannel shirt. He refrained from licking his lips.

Neville blushed and nodded eagerly. They left the common room and proceeded downstairs, towards the kitchen.


End file.
